AskMrsBonneau

Advice Column

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Sour Ending, Sweet Beginning

Posted on August 10, 2010 at 5:26 PM Comments comments (0)

Anonymous Asked:

Ok so I'm unhappily married and have been for like 3yrs....I have tried to make my marriage work but it's only a one sided thing. I am totally dependent on him since i dont drive. We live together but there is nothing else...I consider him a good friend now and am ashamed to say that even if he did want to try to work at it I have lost all romantic feelings for him and only look at him as a friend now. Here is the twist...it's a good thing for me and i don't even feel guilty.The new guy knows my sittation so there are no secrets....my husband dosen't know and the only reason i haven't told him is because i don't want him to put me out on my ass..in my heart i know he wouldn't but hey......What should I do keep it between me and the new guy or tell hubby the truth?


MrsBonneau Says:

Well, I'm a firm believer in making your marriage work.  I don't believe in adultery or just giving up on something that was promised by both partners.  But I'm in no way trying to judge you or look down upon you.  It takes 2 to make a marriage work, however, if he isn't putting in work then there is definitely a problem.  Unless you are 100% sure that you have lost all romantic feelings toward your husband and there's absolutely NOTHING left to salvage, I would reccommend marriage counseling.  There was a time where I was separated from my husband.  Even though things didn't seem like they were going to work out, we went to marriage counseling anyway.  It gives you a perspective on things in a whole new light.  You have a 3rd party from the outside looking in and letting you know what you need to do to avoid arguements or to be more compatible with eachother.  I really wished I knew more about your situation on why you've been so unhappy for the past 3 years.  You really have to weigh your options and be honest with yourself AND your husband.  You don't want to live a lie.  If you look at him as a friend then maybe you should be a friend and come clean about everything rather than to string him along.  Does he know you're unhappy?  And this new guy... would this new guy be there for you if your husband really DID decide to throw you out?  You have to really think this situation through.  I'm not there, I don't know the whole story so I can't really say too much, but from what I DO know, I just think you are getting ready to make a very drastic decision in your life and I want you to be 100% sure and not have ANY doubts whatsoever in your mind about what you want to do.  This new guy, could you see yourself marrying him?  Is he stable?  Would you be leaving a sour relationship only to be in another one?  I want the best for you...whoever you may be (lol) And I want you to be happy.  You've been unhappy for far too long, if this new guy is who you can see yourself with in the long run, then be honest with your husband and set yourself free.  But, I strongly wished you could make your marriage work.  If you want me to converse with you more, you can submit another form and I'll reply with more knowledge about your situation.  I could only give you advice from what you gave me.  I don't know if there are children involved or what caused the marriage to go bad, how long you've been married or how long you've been seeing this new guy.  Whether I hear from you again or not, I wish you the best in whatever you choose.  YOU are the captain of your heart.

Thanks for writing me :)

80/20

Posted on August 9, 2010 at 5:01 PM Comments comments (0)

Anonyous asked:

i have a friend who i have been friends with for a while...i once considered this person my best friend...well to make a long story short...over the years our friendship has turned to 80/20....with me doing the 80%....I've been there for this person when they were down and on the verge of being depressed....now this person is enjoying their "new life" in the military and all of a sudden everything i had done for them seems to have vanished, like it never happen...they come home on vacation for a week, not once call to say they was in-town... i miraculously called them to find out they was home, then they claimed they wanted to come visit me, but end up not coming, not calling, just up and left and went home...that to me was my breaking point....i am now to the point i dont desire to have a friendship with them...i feel i should tell them how i feel about this so-called friendship but everytime i feel i am ready to talk, i become upset instantly, and when i am upset i tend to say some really mean things...so i don't know what to do....should i say f*ck it, and just end it??? please help!!!

signed,

tired of the BS!





Dear Tired of the BS,

I understand your frustration...but you have to understand that nothing will get solved if you cannot voice your opinion without becoming so angry that it sparks an argument.  If you value the friendship you once had with this person, I would suggest you sit this person down and talk.  It's always best to talk in person but since you said your friend is in the military and seems to be avoiding you, that may not be possible.  Call them on the phone.  Do not text because text messages do not always send the proper tone you wish to convey with your voice.  Tell your friend how it's making you feel.  This will be the true test of the friendship.  If your friend is willing to accept the responsibility of allowing the friendship to deteriorate, then maybe you should give it another try.  If they get defensive and don't want to listen to what you have on your mind, then maybe it's best that you not have this person as a friend anymore.  People grow up and grow apart.  Sometimes that happens with friendships too.  I've lost plenty of friends in my life so far...and probably for the best.  Keep your head up and please remember to keep your cool if and when you decide to approach your friend.  Thanks for asking!  Hope that helped!  :)


Which One To Choose?

Posted on April 4, 2010 at 1:43 AM Comments comments (2)

Anonymous Asked:

okay I have more than one guy that likes me and I like them too.  How do I know which one to choose??


MrsBonneau Says:

Okay so you have 2 guys that like you and you like the both of them.  Which ever one you choose, you have to be sure you are going to be able to remain faithful to that ONE you choose.  If you like TWO guys, you have to ask yourself if you are going to be able to just sweep the feelings for the other guy under the rug.  But, to answer your question, I would choose the one that made me the happiest.  Forget about looks for a moment and what other people think about him.  Only go by what YOU think of him.  Put aside their popularity and name brand clothing, take away all of that.  Strip him down to just HIM.  Weigh the two personalities to see which one matches yours the best.  Think about which one would get along with your family and how your family would get along with him.  Try to think about later down the road.  Which one could you see yourself possibly marrying one day?  Go with the one who's more responsible and mature.  Girls mature faster than boys so age can be a factor too.  If you have to, go ahead and make a list of all the things you like about guy #1 and guy #2, weigh the two, see who has more positive points than the other.  Just don't base your decision on "materialistic things".  Hope that helped!  Thanks for asking!


Why Are Women So Damn Crazy?

Posted on April 4, 2010 at 1:06 AM Comments comments (0)

Anonymous Asked:

Why are women so damn crazy?? From mom to aunt to grandmother to wife... They are all crazy? Would you happen to know?


MrsBonneau Says:

Okay, something must have just happened to set you off and make you ask this.  Or...maybe not.  Bottom line, men and women are totally different.  Women have their own views and beliefs and men have theirs.  When the two clash, it can cause problems.  But perhaps "crazy" isn't the right word?  Women are not, for the most part, "mentally-ill".  However there are many behaviors that I see women, including myself, exhibit that will cause guilt later on.  Other behaviors women exhibit will irritate a man and cause him to think that women are "crazy" such as crying over little things that shouldn't be important, excessively worrying about how other people feel about them, and getting stressed out by trying to be super-woman.  There are some behaviors that are NOT okay.  "In-need-of-professional-intervention" crazy behavior include things like being manipulative, obsessive, possessive, or abusive. It's NEVER okay to manipulate or abuse somebody mentally or physically, whether you're a man or a woman. If you are with a woman who does such things, don't let her just blame it on hormones or give you that "you wouldn't understand because you're a man" excuse. Set healthy boundaries for yourself, and let her know that she needs to seek professional help or else you'll be walking out the door.  I don't know which one of these "crazies" your aunt, grandmother, or wife is but you have to distinguish that.  Learn to communicate, sometimes men fail to communicate to their women without shouting or being disrespectful.  Say it nicely and let them know how you feel.  Be patient and understand that women are more sensitive and emotional than men.  Be their rock, stand tall and firm.  Hope that helped!  Thanks for asking!

How do you Know to Let Go?

Posted on April 4, 2010 at 12:16 AM Comments comments (0)

Anonymous Asked:

How do u know how to let go? A relationship of five years...you always dream of marrying this guy . You guys have ur share of problems. Now he feels he needs space and doesn't want to jump back into a relationship just yet. He says he really wants you, he also let's you know he's bored. How do u spice up a dying flower? Aka relationship. I'm so lost I'm game for anything, but I'm beginning to think its not me that's the issue he just needs rm to breath. I just can't be sure its my destiny to wait.


MrsBonneau Says:

I would not recommend you wait around for him.  It's okay to still have feelings but don't put yourself in a situation where you'll get hurt even worse.  You can give him his space which he truly may need but enjoy yourself too.  Allow YOURSELF space as well.  Go out, mingle, meet new people, rediscover old friends.  I'm not saying go out and find a new man and sleep with him right away, NO.  But just try to live a little and enjoy yourself while you give this man the space that he needs.  I DO admire his honesty.  At least he's being up front with you and not stringing you along.  After 5 years, I'm sure you two have been through a lot together.  And after 5 years of being with the same person, things can go stale and end up being boring if you don't keep up the liveliness.  I hope these tips I offer, will somewhat help to spice things up in your relationship:

Try to go back to the beginning of the relationship.  Remember how things used to be.  What did you do that made him happy and KEPT him happy?  Are you still doing them?  Think about how things have changed from back then to present day.  Remember that it's the little things that make all the difference. 

Try and evaluate the amount of time you two are spending together.  Do you think you're spending too much time together or not enough?  Whatever your answer is, FIX IT.  If you're spending too much time, which in his case he's telling you he needs space, that's when you should be going out with friends.  Vice versa, if it's not enough time together then of course, make time.

Also, try telling him how you feel if you haven't already.  If it's really bothering you, REALLY tell him how you feel and how important he is in your life.  Let him know.  Sometimes pride is the hardest thing to put aside but the outcome of doing so can be well worth it. 

If you two are indeed intimate, try spicing things up in the bedroom a little.  Try new things, explore new ways to pamper his senses, but make sure the both of you are comfortable with whatever "adventure" you plan to tackle ; )

Of course, there's always the "date night".  Perhaps a spontaneous outing somewhere he likes or an overnight getaway to a nice hotel.  Something to show your love & appreciation for him is a last thing I would suggest.  After that, you've done all you can.  It's on HIM.  If you're spiritual - P.U.S.H. (pray until something happens)  If it's meant to be it will be; if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's true love, or so I've heard and I DO believe.  Give him time to miss you and appreciate you.  Keep your head up and if there's anything that I missed or you need further advice, feel free to write back to me.  Thanks for asking!  Hope everything works out in your favor.


 

I have a 7 inch dick and I am scared to talk to girls so wat should I do?

Posted on March 31, 2010 at 2:04 PM Comments comments (0)

Okay, first off you may have to submit another question and be more precise as to what your "exact" problem is.  Are you unhappy with the size of your penis?  Or are you happy with the size but just having trouble talking to females?  First let me address the issue of having what you may think is a "small penis".  A non-erect penis usually measures between 3-4 inches from tip to base.  Is 7 inches the size of your penis when it's erect or flaccid?  During an erection, most penises reach a length of 6-7 inches.  So when you tell me 7 inches, I don't know if that's the size of it when it's erect or flaccid.  As far as talking to girls, what is it about females that scare you?  Do you have a low self-esteem?  I'd like to know more about you and your issue and I hope you will write me back by filling out another form so that I may guide you in the right direction.  I can offer you this little tidbit of advice until you get back to me.  If you're shy about approaching a female, practice first.  Simply take off your watch, hide your cell phone and approach one by aking her for the time.  If and when she tells you, give her a smile, thank her then go on about your business.  Do that enough times and I think you'll feel more comfortable about approaching females.  Hope this helped somewhat, please get back to me!  Thanks for asking! : )

1. Should i break up with my significant other? I never see her that much, never get to talk to her. Monday thru friday i see her and talk to her for about 30 mins added up all together. It's horrible! Doesn't feel like a relationship. She never

Posted on March 21, 2010 at 2:53 PM Comments comments (0)

First off, allow me to apologize for taking so long to get back to you.  I have moved my site to this new location here www.askmrsbonneau.webs.com Sorry for the delay in my response.  Your situation sounds like an unhappy one.  There is no need for anyone to be unhappy in any relationship.  Approach her with your feelings, let her know where you stand and how her abscence makes you feel.  Let her know you've been contemplating on breaking up with her and see how she reacts.  If she acts like it doesn't bother her then maybe breaking up is for the best.  However, if she shows concern and an attempt to make things better, give her another chance.  I hope my words help.  A relationship definetly needs to have intimacy, not meaning "sexually" but you have to be there "physically in the flesh".  It takes time and sacrifices.  If she can call/text other people, she should be able to do the same for you.  Don't be afraid to approach her on this.  Good luck and ask again!  : )

I've been friends with a guy for a little over 3yrs now and i can't seem to explain our friendship....put it this way we have a bestfriend/close friend/special friend relationship (without the sexual intimacy) I've grown to love him but I'm not sure how h

Posted on March 15, 2010 at 10:22 PM Comments comments (0)

MrsBonneau Says:


Okay this sounds all too familiar to me.  I've been in this situation before as a matter of fact.  Only it was ME who was doing what your friend of 3yrs is doing to YOU.  All I can tell you is this:  Let him know how you feel about him one last time.  Spill your guts to him so you both can have peace of mind.  If he doesn't want to further the friendship, that's fine, but you won't know anything until you've REALLY laid it out for him.  I mean, really tell him what's on your heart; let him know "love" has begun to blossom and you want to know how he feels.  Demand an answer...politely but sternly do so.  It's not fair to the both of you if none of you knows how the other one feels.  It seems maybe his insecurities about himself are indeed getting in the way.  But like I've stated, I've been there before.  My husband was the one who caught feelings for me after we had been friends for  some years.  We would talk about it ALL just like you and him; from sexual encounters to religion to everything under the sun.  We just "clicked" so well.  And I believe you two have that connection and that bond, you guys should really make an effort to make a relationship sprout.  Just be upfront and honest, don't discontinue to communicate with him, communication plays a big part in any relationship, whether it be friendly or romantically.  Try not to come of "cold"...instead be firm.  I wish you the best!  Take care and thanks for asking! : )

Testimonial

Posted on January 25, 2010 at 3:47 PM Comments comments (0)

So I have actually sat back and taken your advice and I must say it has helped me a lot... I learned through it all sometimes its hard to forgive but in any relationship you must put in work.. and by being an a$$hole so to speak to my boyfriend I was only pushing him away which possibly made him stray before... Thank you so much for everything and take care of yourself dont stress.

Signed- Lost, confused, stressed and a mess


So glad I could help you!  You had no idea how I felt when I read this, it almost brought tears to my eyes, lol.  Keep applying those communication skills and I wish you all the best! :) Thanks for also giving me the oppurtunity to help you.

-MrsBonneau


(summarized) I'm having problems communicating how I feel to my boyfriend, we've been having problems, how did you know your husband was "the one"? -Lost, confused, stressed & a mess....

Posted on January 15, 2010 at 7:16 PM Comments comments (0)

MrsBonneau Says:


It took me a while before realizing my husband was “the one”.  I met him at Target back in 2004 where we both worked.  I saw him and I immediately wanted to get to know him.  We exchanged numbers but the more I got to know him, the less I liked him.  He was extremely sweet and treated me like a queen…something I was not used to.  See, I was into the guys that were on the “bad side”  in and out of trouble, treated me like dirt, but at the same time, they just had this “smoothness” to them that I adored so much.  That, however, was not how my husband was when I met him.  So, we remained friends, never took it to the next level.  He soon grew to become my best friend and I his.  We went everywhere and did everything together, except sexual things, lol.  I would discuss different guys with him that I liked and he would tell me about his “sexual encounters” and whatnot.  We just clicked so well.  Every now and then, he would tell me that he wanted something more than a friendship with me, but I was too naive to give that to him.  I was still young and stuck on dating all the wrong guys.  Until I prayed to God and asked Him to send me someone “real”.And it seemed as if God revealed to me what was right under my nose the whole time.  After that, I allowed myself to fall in love with him wholeheartedly.  Now don’t get me wrong, we by no means have a perfect marriage.  At times I think we’re falling apart, but at the end of the day we still love each other and we’re still married.


As for you and your situation, I really don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit.  Please don’t blame yourself for another person’s behavior.  We all have the ability to know right from wrong. Two wrongs don’t make a right.  And as far as communication goes, that could be a huge part of the problem in your relationship.  How will he know what to do and what not to do if you don’t communicate to him?  Let me help you with some communication skills:


Stay focused

Stick to the problem at hand, do not bring up past conflicts that seem to be related to this one.  Deal with this particular conflict by itself and focus on a solution.


Listen carefully

People often think they’re listening to their partner, when in reality they are rehearsing in their mind what they’re going to say next.  Truly listen to what he has to say, don’t interrupt.  Reflect back what he says so that he knows you’ve listened to him and he’ll be more willing to listen to you.


Try to see his point of view

Try to really see and understand his side then maybe he can better understand yours.  He’ll be more likely to listen if he feels “heard”. 


Respond to criticism with empathy

When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to get defensive.  Try to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings.  Try and look for what’s true in what they’re saying about you as it could be valuable information for you. 


Own what’s yours

Know that personal responsibility is a strength and not a weakness.  Admit when you’re wrong.  You said you feel like you led your boyfriend to do some of those things he’s done, maybe you should admit that to him.  Most likely he’ll follow your lead and be more open to admit his faults and in turn will make a solution more reachable.


Use “I” or “We” instead of “You”

It’s less accusatory and sounds less defensive and will help him understand your point of view better rather than feeling attacked.  So instead of saying things like,“You really messed up” say “I get frustrated when” or “We really need to do better”


Look for compromise

Instead of trying to “win” the argument, look for a solution that will make both sides happy. Take a time out If it seems like one of you is about to“go off” or explode, it’s okay to take a break from the heated discussion until you both can cool down.  Knowing when to take a break is a sign of good communication skills. 


Don’t give up

While taking a break from a heated discussion is okay, always come back to it.  Nothing will get solved if you ignore the problem and it just keeps getting swept under the rug. Unless you’re willing to give up on the relationship, don’t give up on communication.


Ask for help if you need it

I’m proud of you for making the first step.  You’ve reached out to me for help, realizing that there is a problem.  However, I’m not a trained professional and I’m only going off of personal experience and knowledge from reading various materials.  You may benefit from a few sessions with a therapist.  They have regular “couples classes” so don’t think you have to be married to go.  If your boyfriend doesn’t want to go, you can still benefit from going on your own to learn how to deal with future conflicts.




Something I like to do when I approach my husband with a problem is to hold his hand or talk to him while laying in his arms.  It doesn’t work all the time but it reminds us that we both still care about and support each other.  Try that if you haven’t already.  Make a list of all the good times and all the bad times, see which side outweighs the other.  Do the good times outweigh the bad?  Or do the bad times outweigh the good?  Overall, are you happy?  These are some things you need to ask yourself, I can only give you advice from what you give me.  I’m not there physically and I can’t see exactly what goes on between you two.  I do know that there is a problem and I hope you can work it out.  I don’t think you’re willing to let him go, even if it is in your best interest.  The choice is yours, make the right decision, whether it be to leave or to stay.  Just make sure to implement those communication skills into the relationship if you indeed choose to stay with him.  Good luck!  :)







 



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